After I ruptured my Achilles a few years back I remember coming back into training on track and my coach telling me, there is only one way you’re gonna catch up and recover what’s left of your season. Your gonna die every session but so long as you just go through it you come out the other side stronger than you are now and build from there. That approach scraped me into that years SA championship, the following year I won my first championship title. That memory is what came into mind when a recent observation I made sparked my motivation for this latest confession.
We have all been there. When life’s complications develop themselves like an Olympic athlete and you find yourself constantly spiraling in and about between positive and negative states of mind. Watching motivational speakers and screen grabbing quotes of instagram do nothing but make you feel worse about yourself for not truly following the advice you so eagerly cling to and put up on your status.
It’s the penalty of chasing what is best for you and what makes your happy. Not always will what makes you happy be something that someone else will understand or be happy that you are doing it. Some people are under the mercy of their family members or partners for financial stability, shelter emotional support and other benefits that make life easier to live through and yet depression and anxiety find their way into your soul and make things somehow worse than they actually are.
Reliance and depending on others for your sustainability can be a set of chains around your ankles through life and breaking free of that can always be supremely difficult as your emotional or even physical wellbeing can be so dependent on those factors. Malicious and negative people close to you can use that against you, from a manipulative girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or husband. To your mom, father aunt and uncle.
Nobody is above or incapable of breaking you into a cycle of dependance, on their negatively positive environment and energy. I know this is a dark topic but I felt it makes for a very important confession. I came across an article talking about being raised by narcissistic parents and how that impacts children when they become adults. After reading it my mind cast back through my past friends from high school, university and saw directly the consequences of being raised in an environment of that toxic positive environment.
I realised that being in an emotionally taxing relationship with anyone is like a drug. It may feel good being needed and being of value but it has you living in a perpetual state of anxiety which spikes at frequent and infrequent moments depending on what is actually going on in your life. Because you fear that at any moment you could be on your own with nothing. You could be financially dependent, emotionally dependent or just physically dependent like when you simply need a roof over your head.
I won’t try to even advise on how and what’s the best way to overcome this. Everyone’s situation is different, but all I can say is that you should never let yourself break. Do what you can for yourself and look for a way out. For Some of you reading this, it may look like you have no way out, but there is always a way out. The problem is that the one way out means losing everything you have been so comfortable with even if it’s been causing you real pain that’s growing into a black hole.
Losing everything is never easy. A fresh start sounds good when talking about a project or a new script or training regime. But a fresh start on life as a whole is nothing easy. Having nothing sucks. Walking to job interviews, or work or spending your whole salary on transport (taxis or petrol) just to be broke enough to get yourself into more and more debt is ridiculous and sadly a reality of life in these times. Being so broke and walking past a homeless person knowing the only thing that separates you from them is your inevitable eviction notice and selling the very last of your possessions is violently soul damaging.
Waking up in the morning and leaving your home depressed only to come back after a fruitless day of monotony to face a physically or emotionally abusive partner or family member is a paradox on its own and one that seems inescapable. But it is a decision.
Sometimes we don’t see the options that are there because we choose not to. Sometimes we don’t see the options that are there because our current environment doesn’t allow us to. We choose to be with someone that hurts us. We Choose to be in an environment that breaks us everyday and get so used to it, being happy for ourselves is such a foreign concept it feels wrong.
It is the loneliest you will and can ever feel. Even when making that fresh start, you will feel out in the cold and making new friends or meeting new people will feel like taking an exam. If you find yourself moving to a new town you may find yourself lost and vulnerable and unable to centre yourself. Life is hard for everyone. Whether you have all the money in the world or not. Problems follow and find everyone. But there is always a way out. It’s just takes one very hard and very important decision and the rest is on you to accept and endure the worst before it all becomes better.